Today, I discovered how incredibly hard it is to change such ingrained parts of myself such as characteristics or even just habits of thought. Perhaps it is because I haven’t tried to do it as seriously as I am now with these journals. Nonetheless, today was a large dose of some much needed smacking down by reality. Or at least, the current state of my mind. I wasn’t humble at all, and I was rather immodest in several ways. I realized it at these moments, and there were still times when I was able to change my way of thought or action, but many times when I couldn’t seem to do it.
I wasn’t modest in speech, enthusiasm, food, and entertainment. I lacked humility when with my friends and forgot the beauty of silence at times. Perhaps it all had something to do with being tired after Spring Term of college starting back up, but these things still happened and that’s important to realize.
But, even though I fail, I mustn’t let this define my journeys in this realm, nor should I let it define me as a person. I failed for a few parts of the day, but I still succeeded in others and have come far from when I started this, in terms of mindfulness. Today simply showed me how much work was left to go. Hint, it’s a lot.
This is where perseverance can pay off. Usually, when the going really gets tough, it means there’s something good and necessary about what is being done. Yeah, it’s hard because you’re growing and changing and learning, but not because you suck. I think this is oftentimes my personal way of viewing things. That, wow, I must be a real loser to not perfectly embody humility and modesty in all moments of my life, while fighting against 18-year-old habits, and I’ve only been trying for nine days so far. It seems ridiculous when stated like that, but this is also the truth of what I’m doing, and how I’m perceiving it. When this view changes, I think other things begin to change as well. So, I find that in order to reach modesty, I must change how I view myself. Because modesty is a hard one. It requires at all moments a dedication to remaining simple. To not indulging. To say a lot with a little. To eating only what one needs.
Modesty is a rough battle and one that I have some personal issues with in regards to things like eating and talking. And since I’ve fought some of these battles before and failed, I think that I end up seeing myself as a failure in this regard. So, while today wasn’t necessarily full of the greatest insights on modesty, besides me needing to work on it a bit more, it certainly has granted me more command over a steady outlook on my progress and work.
And for that, I am grateful.