Today I once again saw how much work I have to do in regards to modesty and humility. I felt the need to talk so much today, at times that I don’t think I needed to. It was almost like dominating the conversation and doing it in a way that was attempting to be more amusing than I am.
Humility: So be silent. Observe. Look at how you can grow, what you can learn from others. See your thought processes and learn how to change them. Just being aware is the first step to this. Don’t forget, even though it is easy to do so.
And in terms of modesty, I didn’t embody it quite as much as I wanted. I ended up being modest in terms of quality, not quantity. I had good quality foods, but in large quantities still, which leads to an overall unhealthy thing. The same goes for speech and for thought. Just because I increase the quality of certain aspects of my character doesn’t mean much if I’m still doing too much in other aspects of character. For instance, just because I say many good things doesn’t mean it is as good as saying few, better things. I think that the less quantity there is of something, there should be a following increase in quality. So, if I lessen speech, there should follow an increase in my quality of speech. Now, this is only true if I spend time in silence doing a few things. Mainly, listening to what someone is saying, analyzing my thoughts for validity, and also simply being present with life. If I can do these things successfully, then I think I can maybe make some progress.
I worry though, that I will not succeed. However, I think I need to surmount this worry, and instead focus on modesty. As I even said earlier in this journal series, the modesty of worry is necessary. It is necessary for just this reason: to help us progress. If we spend too much time in needless worry, then we lose the ability to progress. The worry ties us down to a “reality” that is imagined, leading us to ignore the actually valid markers of progress. Therefore, a modesty of worry is needed to persevere, to grow, and to change.
Every night, I must make this renewal of character. Every morning, the same. It is necessary to accomplish the things I wish to and to progress in the ways that I want to. I have faith that I can do this, and I’m looking forward to seeing where it takes me. But, the road is paved with hardships, of a different nature than what I’ve seen before. For this reason, I must sing myself down the dark road I walk, to combat the shadows surrounding me, as I make my way towards a brighter future. Despair shall not clutch me with its hands, and I will grow.